stuck in a rut

i can usually feel the tears tingling behind my eyes before they come. sometimes they're welcome - they're appropriate. being immersed in a movie or a book - tears top of the emotional experienced of being entirely involved of a world completely apart from my own. other times they're expected. sad things happen. i typically cry. but other times i start to tingle for no reason at all. maybe it's self-pity. maybe it's just fatigue. sometimes i just feel robbed. like i can't even live the life i want to live. can't be the person, do the things that make me me. lord, i know i said i valued this lesson. i know basing my identity in my abilities is not the way you made me to live. i know that you are the only sure foundation for my identity. i know that my identity is hidden in you. so that when i seek you with all my heart, when i know you, i will know myself. but that all feels a little beyond me. will i ever be able again? just answer me, please! maybe that will be better to know than this endlessly tantalising semi-hope that may or may not eventuate. am i kidding myself? am i being naive? then the back of my throat begins to ache, and i try to breathe.

i wonder what triggered all this. i feel as though all the problems i could possibly attribute a psychogenic disorder to all came after i stopped being able to use my hand. maybe i'm wrong. maybe it's more deepseated than that. even if i did figure it out, lord, would that make me better? would i somehow be miraculously cured, the riddle solved, the key to the lock?i live in abstract hope. because all the realistic, tangible hope is gone. and then come the tides of self-pity. wanting people to know, so they will respect me for my 'perseverence'. maybe that's it - maybe the anacrusis is my desire to be recognised, for accolades, for talent and recognition, to be the best. maybe that's the downfall of my chronic perfectionism?

do things well or don't do them at all - maybe this is what it all boils down to. maybe taking away my abilities forced me to think about who i was without them.but is god responsible for it? i find it difficult to believe that god would inflict this. but i know that he allowed it to happen to job. and i also know that suffering is random. maybe i'm looking for answers where they don't exist. maybe learning to worship my god and rejoice wholeheartedly in the face of suffering is what will give my relief.maybe. maybemaybemaybe.

i want someone to love and to hold me lord. i can't do this by myself. i want someone who cares for me as for themself. who cares for me as you do. i know that sounds selfish. it is. but that's me, i guess.
in my weakness your strength is seen. i pray that's the case.