tonight i drove for the first time in six weeks. i sat at the beach for the first time in the same amount of time. and i hung out with a sister who probably 'gets' me more than anyone else on the planet.
the first few minutes on the steps at manly were not strewn with any form of conversation - rather, we were a bit preoccupied trying to keep the ben&jerry's we'd just bought from completely evaporating. i'm looking down on my dress right now and i count six splodges. so that's pretty much 20c per drip, making my dress $1.20 more valuable. sweet.
we chatted for hours, and i can't slash don't really want to write all of it down here - but she asked me to write some of what we spoke about down, so being the obedient friend i am, i will in the following sentences oblige :)
God has a tendency with us to coordinate our walks with Him. we both had been feeling very out of place. for different reasons; but both knowing that the thoughts were the fruit of listening to a lie, and not really actively rebuking it.
i think i realised that part of my feeling dislocated was realised that i really didn't know a lot of the people i thought were some of my oldest and closest friends. then i realised that i was a very different person six weeks ago to the person i am now, and i struggle with how to communicate that to people who haven't been there with me when God has been moulding my heart so intensely.
and finally, came the hard bit. i realised that having asked God to give me a hunger for Him, so let me fall in love with Him, to make me desire Him so that i would run after His heart - that He had done that.
but that not all of His children run after Him. they are walking towards the same goal, and they are totally still His children!! but there's just a different intimacy and longing and desire and satisfaction and joy when He makes you fall in love with Him. because a person in love will do crazy things for the one they love.
and i don't know. i guess that one thing i've felt very alone in is that desire to live radically and ACTUALLY change with more than just token efforts, but BE the new creation and live lives that reflect the reality that the Spirit dwelling inside us has the same power that raised Jesus from the dead.
my friend said something which i think is true. she said that when you run after something, it's a bit sad, but it means that you're going to leave some things behind. some people behind. it'll mean you grow distant from some friends. it'll mean they think you're a little too keen on the whole Jesus thing. and i tell you what, eight months ago i would've looked at me now and thought i was a kook, but i can't say enough that this is REAL!! i want to break all my alabaster jars of oil on His feet (yes, i have many alabaster jars), i want to feast on the bread of life, to drink deeply from the living water - to chase after the one my soul has been longing for and the one in whom alone it will find satisfaction.
another thing we articulated was about healing and the love of God and being His children, and just discussing the shades of grey and tensions we to and fro between.
finally, before i crash and get some shut eye, just that although at passion it was so clear that God was PRESENT, that He was in the room and moving - there were only a few times in which i felt like i was dialoguing with Him, that i was before Him.
and i realised that although i love those moments of corporate worship where He is there and we are all praising Him together - i really long for those moments of intimacy where i am alone with Him. like, i don't know if this is legit, but i feel like i am locking eyes with Him. i'm with Him. there are no distractions, and i feel like i'm seeing Him with such clarity.
and that's the awesome thing, that He has the capacity to be alone with everyone at the same time!
but yeah. that those are the moments when i really feel close to God, more than hyped up worship songs. in the quiet places.
pretty much, so blessed to have this precious friend. we prayed and it was just so crazy to reflect on how God had brought us together. we both want to run after His heart, forsaking all others. we want to see crazy God stuff happen in our lives. because we want to live lives of faith. we want to be refined, we want the fire, if that's what it takes.
for Your pleasure and Your renown.
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